AN OPEN LETTER TO THE GUARDIAN ON CAKE CULTURE
It’s not often I write two blog posts in one day.
But the article in The Guardian on Cake Culture by Stuart Heritage was too good to be missed. And I mean missed as in missed the point, missed the joke & missed why on earth he thought it appropriate. (And if you didn’t see the article then click here. But be warned: Coeliacs may need to steady themselves.)
Managing coeliac disease is usually fine until you get the office idiot making jokes about your “funny bread”. Then it’s just bo-o-o-ring.
If we’re going to joke about bringing cake into work, is it really necessary to poke fun at a small section of society who’ve got an auto-immune disease?
So I’ve done a bit of editing and revised the article so we can all enjoy the joke at its fullest. Imagine it’s 1970 and you’ve just started a new job as a female at an office.
Watch Out! Women Are About!
Equality is killing us. The faculty of sexism at the Royal College of Idiots has claimed that equal pay is contributing to an epidemic of obesity and poor health in this country.
However, its suggestions – such employing women merely at lunchtime and only letting them drive on Fridays – seem like half-measures. If you’re determined to keep the office woman-free, here are your options.
1 Join a men-only club
The easiest way to get women to leave the office is to say you’ve joined PG Wodehouse’s Drone’s Club. However, this has its drawbacks: people will either start giving you dodgy handshakes or they will shun you for being a fun-hating grump. So say you’re post-feminist instead. Not only does it sound serious, but you might also be able to convince women that it’s scary and contagious, and they’ll leave you to work in peace.
2 Start a new birthday tradition
On your birthday, why not jolly along your female colleagues by bringing in some unwashed carrots and a pile of flaxseed instead of cake? “Why aren’t you eating any?” you can shout at them. “Aren’t you trying to lose weight? Sheila, try this flaxseed. It tastes better if you mix it with saliva (nudge, nudge, wink wink).”
3 Get a new job
If the female culture is ruining your health, then don’t be afraid to up sticks and change career. Maybe the Anti-Women League has a position going. Or perhaps the charity Man is Master wants a new social-media coordinator. Have you enquired at the chauvinism faculty at the Royal College of Bigots? You may find that everyone there is fat and unhappy, but it sounds like your kind of deal.
4 Eat so much that you die
This one is a bit drastic, but bear with me. Whenever someone brings women into the office, grab as much of them as you can and force into your mouth in front of everyone. Eventually, if you combine it with some choice anecdotes from Donald Trump, this will cause your heart to give up, and you’ll collapse to the floor, and your colleagues will forever equate women with the harrowing memory of your death. Congratulations – you have saved their lives.
5 Work from home
If you don’t have an office to go to, you’ll never be forced to be around women. But it’s OK. You’ve got three quality men’s magazines left over from Christmas and a slice of bread that you can ball up and stick a candle in if you want to pretend it’s a fun occasion. God, you’re lonely. But you’re also only in the company of men, so that’s something.
What did you think of Stuart Heritage’s article? Are you offended as a Coeliac or do you think it should rival an episode of Blackadder for its comedic value? Do share your thoughts below!